Mulled thoughts

Somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic, Christmas morning is dawning on thousands of husbands, wives, moms, dads, sons and daughters. Mine will be dragging into his office soon where he will be greeted by a tiny silver LED tree, a stocking full of Christmas Peeps, DVDs and a Rush CD and his office mate who never sleeps. He will pour himself the first of several cups of Christmas Blend, go to work and count the hours till the sun comes up on the USA so he can Skype with our daughter and me. The surrounding offices will also come to life, coffee flowing, computers humming, small talk amongst the soldiers. Here a Lieutenant with a pregnant wife at home, there another Captain wishing he could be watching his little boy spend his first Christmas morning turning wrapping paper into a slobbery mess. Across town, another soldier's heart is breaking, knowing he can't be home with his wife who has just lost their baby. Yet another sends messages throughout the morning to the fiancee he proposed to just before leaving.

Christmas this year has been a mix of emotions for me. I'm fairly good at compartmentalizing my feelings, as it is the only way to get through a long separation like this, however the holidays tend to destroy even the toughest walls amongst the silent ranks.

I feel frustration and anger: I'll admit, I kind of slacked off in the gift giving department this year. Part of it is because I mentally checked out of the holidays when my husband left but most of it is because I just can't handle the shopping aspect of it. Have you seen how angry and mean people have been this season? One look around Target and you'll see a dozen frazzled moms, carts brimming with toys and electronics and not one shred of Christmas cheer on their face. What has happened to this season?? Why is happiness directly proportional the number of presents under the tree? Frankly, I'd be happy to spend Christmas in a cardboard box if it meant the three of us could be together.

I feel sadness: Let's face it, having your husband gone at Christmas sucks. Here's the thing though--people are always commenting on how hard this must be for me and the baby and the other wives and yes, it is hard. But I think it's a lot harder on those guys and gals who are heading into work this morning. I'm sad that my husband won't get to hear our baby babbling to herself in the morning while she tries to eat wrapping paper. I'm sad that his Lt. won't get to feel his baby kick while he and his wife spend their last Christmas alone for a while. I'm sad that there are guys who don't have access to skype or phones.

Yet...

I feel immense joy: watching my little girl turn an ornament over in her hands and bat it around the floor, dressing her in a pretty red dress for her very first Christmas, hearing skype ringing on my computer and knowing it's my husband. There is much to be joyful about. I'm alive, for one thing. Seven months ago, I wasn't sure if I would leave my hospital room, yet here I am. I can communicate across the world and I know there are many families that won't have that luxury this year. I'm with family. I have a wonderful support system of other wives.

So to answer the question I've gotten most today and this past week: "How are you doing?"

I am at peace. Tomorrow will most likely hold a lot of smiles and a few tears, but I am a very blessed woman. I have a gorgeous daughter and an incredible husband and faith in a God who has orchestrated this time in our lives. What more could I ask for?